Chimériquement™: Queer Existential Panic Edition

Hi everyone! Welcome to the devlog of a new game of mine, which I owe you because you must have a lot of questions (or not….. it’s okay if not….)

Chim, what is this game?

This game stems from a very personal realisation, once that has, once again, changed my perspective on myself. I realised I was homoromantic (not that I could never date a woman, but at this point, I can’t deny it’s easier to picture myself with a guy lol).

And this realisation was quite… dreadful lol. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m disgusted with the idea or anything, but… without calling me pious, because I’m not in any means, I am a believer, and my religion forbids homosexuality.

In itself, that’s not that big of a problem: I’m not someone who needs love or anything similar to enjoy life, and I’m demiromantic anyway, so it’s not as if the probabilities of me falling in love were very high. But still, this realisation has led me to develop some thoughts, and to be confronted with some questions: why is homosexuality forbidden? Whichever angle I try to look at homosexuality, I truly see nothing wrong with it (but I suppose you guys could tell from my games in the first place). If forbidden, why me? The answer: just trust God. And as most of you can tell, this is not a fully-satisfying one, since it’s walking blindfolded, repressing in you things you would accept with open arms in others. Somehow, you don’t hate homosexuality, but you have to hate it within yourself (well, in my case, homoromanticism, but I think the analogy applies either way).

“Well”, would most of you say, at least I suppose, “just live your life, God loves you.” And sure thing, but this raises one problem: I think God also expects obedience to his orders; so one could follow their inclination, but once again, it wouldn’t be without guilt.

Self-hatred or guilt are the two possible answers, and it is quite the dawning, not to say depressing realisation.

And what should one do when depressed? You’re right: turn depression into a game! ✨

A need for representation

So I wanted to make this game to represent this conflict between faith and nature, dare I say, between God and you almost.

This is something I’ve never seen in any media. I’m not pretending it doesn’t exist, just that I have never seen it myself. In general, when media tackle the conflict between homosexuality and religion, it is always pinned on a family member of the queer character. A good example is Love, Victor, which tackles the topic quite well in its second season, when it portrays Victor’s mother’s awful lack of tolerance for her son’s homosexuality due to religious reasons, and how she progressively grows to accept it, and to find a church which will allow her son to be gay.

These stories are important, because they are uplifting, and we absolutely need those. However, the conflict of the gay character is never about religion and homosexuality: it’s only with their family member. Victor himself, for example, isn’t as religious as his parents, and, if he struggles to accept his homosexuality in the first season, that’s because of expectations, not because homosexuality itself contradicts mandates from above.

So, I wanted to write this story. To offer this representation, if you may. And that’s how Romaine came to life. Romaine, a believer in an unnamed religion (as I don’t want to pinpoint any religion; the game truly is about exploring the conflict, rather than criticising any specific belief), in love with her best friend. She is meant to embody all these doubts, these thoughts, this conflict.

I also didn’t want her to be perfect, or to be a “perfect victim”, if I dare use the word. She does have dirty feelings: jealousy, whether it is towards Juliet’s fiancé, or towards the other queer people who do not have to face the same conflict as her. She tries to justify herself to God by saying she doesn’t have “lustful desires”, as if those were to be blamed in the first place. Well, long story short: she’s conflicted, and she has a choice to make. Whether let go of love and accept the fact she will never experience it; or embrace it, knowing this is a sin.

And that’s where we reach the point that makes me very anxious about this game: I didn’t want to portray any solution as perfect, or ideal, because neither is. I know the story would have been much more positive and uplifting if Romaine could just accept her feelings without an ounce of guilt. But this wouldn’t have been true to the queer experience I’m trying to depict here, so I hope my choice is understandable, and is not mistaken for anything else. And also, I made sure to include lines precising that sexual orientation can’t be changed, and that you can’t “pray the gay away”, because not precising it could have been seen as endorsing conversation therapies, which I DON’T. That’s why Romaine never hopes to become straight, because she cannot: she can just hope, if she chooses to repress her flames, to not love too much. That’s not perfect, that’s even sad, but… well, that’s how things are for some.

So ta-dah! I hope my game, however, doesn’t guilt anyone, as it’s not the purpose: your choice is yours, your life is yours, and you’re allowed to be who you are, however you want to experience this.